Oh how the tables have turned – I can honestly say that I don’t remember the last time I had a proper home-cooked meal and I feel absolutely disgusting thinking about all the nasty stuff I’ve eaten for the past couple of weeks. Looking back at some of those repressed memories, things come to mind like 4 large frozen pizzas, 28 frozen burritos, plain bagels (because I ran out of freaking cream cheese), more Thai rice noodle soups than I’m willing to admit, copious amounts of things that you’re not supposed to eat on their own (like plain burger patties and breakfast sausages, for starters), and more coffee than an average adult should safely consume in their lifetime, let alone in a one month span.
I genuinely feel that the only reason I’ve managed to maintain my gorgeous “average” body type is by having picked up some sort of Mexican parasite through one of the many burritos I’ve consumed. That may also explain the severe case of the runs that I’ve picked up in the last few weeks, but we won’t get into that here. The point of today’s post is to share with you a new recipe that I came up with all on my own thanks to a scarcity of ingredients in my exam-ravaged house.
Unless you’re genuinely Italian or associate yourself in some way, shape, or form with the Jersey Shore, then pizza is by no means a healthy balanced food that you should be bragging about – it’s cheap, fast, filling, and most importantly feeds you from breakfast ‘till dinner. Heck, pizza has been voted the number one walk of shame food by one of my friends who shall remain unnamed. He (bet you didn’t see that coming) has basically made a ritual of it, plus its said to cure hang-overs.
Whatever the case may be, today’s recipe takes a different approach to pizza, one that I’m positive I’m not the first to do: Butter Chicken Pizza. I could make up some crazy story on how this recipe came to me in my dreams, but the truth is that I utterly miscalculated my rice-to-butter-chicken-ratio leaving me with heaps of butter chicken and not enough appetite to eat it on its own. Since we’re providing full-disclosure here, I must admit that the few beers I had really helped the creative process.
Just like every other recipe in my life, this one consists of some kind of dough and some sort of leftover. The fact that it’s butter chicken should not come as a surprise, given half the crap I make on this blog is made with it. It’s nothing glorious unless you’re good at taking pictures – which judging by what I got is no National Geographic footage. Regardless I’ll do my best to explain what I did, in case you’re too dense to figure it out on your own. Enjoy!
Butter Chicken Pizza
I don’t know what it is about dough, but every single time I attempt to make me some I need to look at a recipe to get the proportions right – or simply to remember what other kind of junk I need to add to my flour and water mixture to make it doughy. Today, however, I decided to mix things up or think outside the pizza-box if you will.
Today’s dough has NO water, NO sugar, and ZERO vegetable oil. I unilaterally decided to replace those with 2% Milk (which is 98% water), honey (which is 100% diabetic honey-bee poop, aka sugar), and Avocado oil (it’s a fruit yo!). Other than that I used the following ingredients:
- 1¾ cups of flour
- ¾ cup of warm milk
- 1 tablespoon of honey
- 1 teaspoon of salt
- 1 tablespoon of oil
- 1.2 tablespoons of yeast (go figure on that one)
- left-over butter chicken
- Shredded cheese (any kind works, although Mexicans seem to have gotten their mixture spot on)
First and foremost you’ll need to warm up your milk in the microwave and then add your yeast to it, because of science. 10 minutes is enough, although I could have sworn I only did 7 ½ minutes and it turned out alright.
Then add in your honey and stir till it’s all dissolved. If it don’t smell like Christmas at this point then you’re doing something wrong.
Next add the flour, salt, and oil to the mix and stir till you get yourself a nice and doughy dough. If you see your dough is too runny, slowly add flour or just chuck it all out because you’re probably a failure at cooking.
Look at that technique – who knew double-fisting it would come in handy for cooking.If anyone is interested, I have a Cuisine Art stand mixer on my wishlist this Christmas. It’s only $400 and takes up a buttload of space – nbd.If you’re at this stage, add enough flower till you get a smooth and elastic dough. Here is the dough before resting and expanding.
When that’s done, cover your bowl and let that dough rest in a warm spot for half an hour. There’s plenty of things you can do in that half an hour, just remember not to disturb the dough prematurely because you couldn’t last long enough (oh-my-god-innuendo).
If you’ve gotten this far without screwing up, then good on you because things are going to go quickly now. Next you’ll want to flour a clean surface and roll that dough into a freaking pizza. The dough will be soft, so be careful not to make it too thin.
Next, and here’s where you’ll really want to listen if you’re actually making this, separate your chicken from your butter chicken stew – otherwise you won’t be able to coat the dough with it. As custom has it, the pieces of chicken in butter chicken are so big that you’ll have to cut them down separately and add them to your stew covered pizza later.
I don’t know what led me to believe that just dumping day-old butter chicken on thin dough would make it spread easily. Let my mistakes be to your benefit. Cut the chicken up into manageable sizes…...and spread them on the pizza.
Once covered, dump your chicken, cheese, and chives if you’ve got them and pop them into the oven preheated at 395F for 15 minutes. Then sit back and think about your choices in life because you’re still reading my blog.
Very few things surprise me in the kitchen because my level of expectation is generally next to none, but this pizza genuinely caught me off guard. I mean, I was sitting in the library thinking of my next big way to procrastinate, and next thing I know I’m eating one of the best pizzas I’ve made in a while. Let’s put it this way, next time I’ll be making pizza, I’ll definitely be looking at my own recipe for the dough – that’s how awesome it tastes.
The butter chicken aspect was alright, too. I mean add enough cheese to anything and it will ultimately taste like fondue – so there’s no surprise there. But Jesus, that crust: I don’t toot my own horn more than once a day (two if I have nothing else to do), but that crust is one to remember for sure. Would I make it again? You bet your non-existing Italian heritage I will!
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