There are very few things in this world that would voluntarily make me want to bake something. I do occasionally slip up and make the odd loaf of banana bread or cheesecake, but those don’t count as baking as they require very little skill and few ingredients. Having to read 60 pages of Constitutional Law, however, changes the game dramatically – so much so that I’ve decided to try my hand at making cookies.
What possesses someone to recreationally bake cookies is beyond me. We all know that one person in our circle of friends that makes cookies every week and feels the need to share them with the world. It’s difficult, shitty, goey, and the reward is marginal at best. There’s a reason that every supermarket has a freaking cookie aisle, and it’s because people are not ready to waste their time putting themselves through making them. If you have enough homework that you want to avoid, though, it’s the perfect waste of time.
Being the lazy slob that I am, I wasn’t about to get in my car and get the ingredients required specifically for making cookies. This is not a blog of necessity, it’s a blog of convenience – so today I tried making cookies using things I previously bought for making pizza dough. It’s not hard to imagine at this point that I was short not just a few ingredients, but a lot.
Never having made cookies didn’t help either. Instead of looking for a good recipe to make cookies with, I looked through every single cookie recipe on the entire world wide web in order to come up with the bare essentials for making cookies. Those essentials, as it turns out, are just butter, sugar, flour, and eggs. Even with that information at hand, I still had no idea how much of each ingredient I needed to use, since every recipe online assumed that I was Honey Boo Boo’s mom and want to make 72 servings of cookies. I just want 12 cookies, so I just made my own recipe using my own measurements.
In essence, making cookies for this post was somewhat of a lottery, one in which I think I hit the jackpot. Watch how I made my cookies, and see if they’re something you’d eat, considering that instead of having chocolate chips as the selling feature, they have bacon bits. Enjoy!
Contrary to every other blog or recipe you’ll read on the internet, this isn’t my “favourite” recipe, nor is it my grandma’s recipe. Least of all is it a tried and tested recipe. It’s literally some bullshit that I threw together and it turned out surprisingly good, so take note. For this recipe you’ll need:
- 2 cups of flour
- 1 cup of sugar
- 1 teaspoon of baking soda
- absolutely no milk
- 1/2 a block of butter (whatever that comes to)
- 2 eggs
- copious amounts of bacon.
First and foremost, it’s best that you get your bacon cooking. Cut about half a pack into thin strips and put them into a preheated pan. At this point, you should preheat your oven by setting it to 350F as well. Ever wonder why I emphasize preheating so much? It’s because preheating is just foreplay for ovens. Never forget that.
Back to the recipe: Cook these bad boys until they turn nice and tan. Once there, set them aside and get going on the rest of your stuff.
The next step in this wonderful adventure is making the dough, which if you don’t have a hand mixer or one of those fancy-ass Kitchen Aid stand mixers, you’re literally screwed. Unfortunately for me, I was in the latter camp and had to mix the dough by hand, with a spoon, like a caveman. If you can avoid it, then do.
Set them bad-boys aside and get going on the most difficult part of this recipe, the manual labour required to create dough. Here we’ll beat the butter into a creamy mixture and slowly add our sugar to it. Pro-tip: add sugar sooner rather than later. It helps break down the butter much easier. Chemistry yo!
Once you achieve creamy sugar butter status, it’s time to whip out our eggs and make a proper dough out of it. Go one egg at a time and make sure you eliminate any lumps in your dough. This is probably the nastiest thing I’ve done when it comes to baking, so be prepared for some weird textures.
Based on the amount of sugar and butter that I used making these cookies, I could have easily added some Chemical X and accidentally ended up with over-weight Powerpuff girls.It’ll go from nice and creamy to nice and puke-y in no time, just wait.Told ya.
Next you’ll want to gradually add your flour to the mix in order to get a nice, consistent dough going. Again, if you’re doing this by hand I feel bad for you son, because I have 99 problems and not having a mixer in Winnipeg is one.
Last but not least, you’ll want to drain your bacon as well as you can and add it to the dough. Make sure your bacon isn’t hot, or even warm at this point.
It’s like cookies and cream, except with bacon instead of cream. It’s like cookies and bacon! If you don’t mix well, you’ll have disproportional bacon cookies. Don’t be “that” guy.Refrigerate for 30 minutes and go do what adults usually do when they have spare time – sit on the toilet playing Angry Birds on their smartphone.
In the final step of the recipe, grab a spoon full of the dough, roll it into a ball in your palm and place it on a cookie sheet, with about 2 inches of space between the cookies. Usually these cookies would expand beyond recognition and turn into a nice disk. The first batch of cookies I made, on the other hand, mostly retained their shape turning into macarons.
With that said, once on the baking sheet, flatten the dough balls into disks and garnish them with some sugar. And if you followed my recipe, then you’ll want to bake these bad boys for 20-22 minutes.
I was really pessimistic when I started making these cookies. For one thing, I didn’t have the majority of the ingredients required to make the cookies. To make matters worse, I winged ever part of the process, all the way up to the time it takes to bake these things. When I finished the process I literally felt like I had just discovered North America – that’s how foreign this baking thing is to me.
Surprisingly, though, this recipe turned out really well. I’m not a big cookie person but if forced to decide between cookies, I would definitely choose the softer ones. As luck would have it, that’s just how these cookies turned out.
Taste wise they really hit the spot, too. I missed a crucial ingredient when making the cookies and I don’t regret it a single bit: vanilla extract. I feel that if the cookies smelled of vanilla it would have really taken away from the sweet and savory quality of the cookies. Because I used granulated sugarcane sugar and unsalted butter, as well as low-sodium bacon, the cookies turned out neither too sweet nor too salty. They’re actually quite delightful.
Regardless of how good they taste, the real question is whether I’d make them again. Even though baking is my worst nightmare and cookies aren’t my favourite baked good, I would actually make these again if conditions were right. Maybe next time I would get some extra ingredients to make them look pretty, too.
Overall I’m happy with the results – except the fact that I made so many damn cookies at once. Unfortunately for me, now I’ll be the guy that has to share the cookies to get rid of them. Oh well…